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20 April 2014 @ 11:30 pm
after rain (will fall, we'll fall)  
after rain (will fall, we'll fall)
author: dracoslovebunny
pairing: xiuhan
rating: pg-13
words: 2063
genre: romance, angst
summary: in which lu han feels too much
notes: for jessica


minseok has a girlfriend.

lu han has a problem with that.

lu han knows he's not allowed, no, not supposed to have a problem with that and so for three weeks he pretends he doesn't have a problem with that. he was never any good at lying to minseok.

minseok corners him one night after they've returned to the dorms, trapping him in the back corner of the kitchen with his small but surprisingly - no longer surprisingly, lu han thinks - immovable body. "you've been avoiding me." voice soft but strong. like the man himself.

"I haven't," lu han protests, not sounding convincing even to his own ears.

"you have."

lu han wants to protest again, but as he looks straight at minseok for the first time in this conversation, he's hit by those eyes, and more specifically how much he's missed those eyes, and only then does he realize just how much he's been avoiding minseok.

"I have," he concedes, and he swallows past a thousand wordings of an explanation that threaten to slip from his throat without any further prodding from minseok.

"why?" minseok prods anyway, and lu han swallows again. a silence, more awkward than any that have passed between them in probably years, presses against the lump lu han has tried to keep below his throat.

"wanted to give you and... and her some space," lu han says almost gruffly, looking away. "i'm sure you don't need a third wheel always hanging around." his chuckle sounds dry and unattached.

minseok narrows his eyes, leaving lu han feeling bare, feeling like every detail of his life and every secret he's ever kept is written on his skin for minseok to peruse at his leisure.

then, "okay." then a chuckle that sounds more sad than 'okay' and it makes lu han's heart hurt a little bit just to hear it. "but i could really use my best friend back right now. she and i won't be needing any space. i got dumped tonight."

"oh, bao..." lu han reaches out and pulls at that immovable form. minseok's refusal to move melts away, just as minseok melts into the embrace lu han offers, melts all over his shirt and into the groove of his neck and through to lu han's heart.

lu han feels a little too happy for his friend's heartbreak. then again, that always seems to be the problem. lu han feels too much.

-----

lu han has a lover.

if minseok cares, he's done a damn good job of hiding it. they're the same as they've always been. lu han is clinging and handsome smiles that melt all hearts in china and excited chatter over cappuccinos or americanos that he sometimes gets so caught up in that he starts babbling in mandarin and only catches himself when minseok gives him that look that says, 'you've lost me again.' minseok is quietly inquisitive and gappy, toothy grins that lu han insists to himself do not make him weak in the knees.

they don't really talk about lu han's lover, aside from the tense moment following his confession of the gender of his partner, broken by minseok's too-simple, too-soft, "so what's his name?" that leaves lu han so happy with the unspoken acceptance it actually hurts, and the occasional, "how is he?" "he's fine. we're fine."

they're not fine. they're not really anything. a few hot sessions spanning the course of maybe two weeks, moments found in private nooks, mostly his apartment, that leave lu han feeling satisfied and yet deeply unsatisfied.

and lu han doesn't pretend to minseok that it's anything else. when it's over, he tells minseok it didn't mean much. he tactfully leaves out any graphic details. just as tactfully, he neglects to mention that if it had been minseok instead, he would've kept the lights on and kissed him for more than just a few fleeting moments at a time and that two weeks wouldn't have been nearly enough, would've barely been a start.

lu han leaves out that it hurts that minseok has remained so close, so unaffected by him taking a lover.

lu han doesn't take any lovers after that.

-----

lu han kisses minseok.

he's tired from promotions, from long practice sessions, from all-nighters and plane rides and interviews and screaming fans. he's tired in so many ways that he just wants to find a way, just one, to be less tired. and oh, is he tired of hiding his feelings.

so he kisses minseok to a backdrop of rain hitting the window beside the couch on which they sit. it's tentative but, eventually, firm. his heart is racing so hard he can barely hear the raindrops crashing against glass through the rushing in his ears. minseok remains motionless against his lips, and lu han can feel the tenseness in his shoulder where it's pressed to lu han's.

his hand itches to slide into minseok's hair, to tilt his best friend's head so he can deepen their kiss until they're both dizzy. instead, he pulls away, breaking contact but remaining close. he waits.

"i can't."

the words are as tense as minseok's shoulder. lu han feels them squirm into his torso and wrap around his stomach, clenching tightly, painfully, and he only just barely keeps himself from crying out at the hurt.

minseok offers nothing else. he stands and leaves the room. lu han gasps for air and bites his lip to stop a sob that threatens to escape.

-----

"lu-ge!"

the term falls from minseok's mouth with warmth and familiarity. lu han smiles the way that captures hearts, points the expression in minseok's direction.

as soon as they're backstage, though, masks fall away and minseok chats with the other guys a little, a couple members of the staff. anyone but lu han. 'lu-ge' is a term only used to make the world oblivious to their rift. lu han grows bitter toward the sound of it on minseok's tongue, like a mockery of their years of friendship. like a mockery of lu han's too-many feelings.

he knows he only has himself to blame, but he had thought their friendship could withstand this blow, even after minseok's rejection. he had been wrong, and those times he'd had with minseok seem like a different life now. lu han tries to adjust. he never succeeds.

-----

the second time he kisses minseok, the timidness of their first kiss is nonexistent. alcohol clouds his judgement, and he can taste it on minseok's tongue as well when, finally, minseok's tension melts away and he returns the kiss eagerly, almost desperately.

having planned nothing, lu han doesn't allow himself to be surprised by minseok climbing into his lap, pressing close, kissing him hard, harder. he inhales minseok and exhales love, and kisses and kisses until he needs to pull away, then leans in to kiss again. when minseok trails his lips to lu han's neck, lu han finds himself laughing aloud, a bright, lively sound that matches his too-many feelings almost perfectly.

briefly, he considers stopping to ask if this is real, but a hand sliding into the front of his pants cuts off his question before it has a chance to begin.

when he wakes to a vacant spot in the bed behind him with the shape and scent of minseok, he wishes he'd asked.

-----

things have, oddly, improved between them. lu han had found himself barely able to function for the first few days after realizing he'd become minseok's drunken one night stand. but it had had its benefits, which lu han now appreciates. mostly it had offered closure. minseok doesn't feel the same. minseok can want his body, but doesn't want his heart. lu han can move on.

minseok smiles at him both on- and offstage now. they talk backstage and at the dorms and over coffee the way they used to. minseok laughs easily with lu han.

'lu han' has become 'lu-ge' again sometimes, and lu han finds that the term still tastes bitter when he hears it, but he doesn't bother trying to stop minseok from saying it.

minseok touches lu han on the arm, back, shoulder, waist, hugs him loosely in happy moments and tightly when things aren't so nice.

lu han finds that even with closure, he can't move on.

-----

lu han has no choice but to pull away. he can't stay like this for who-knows-how-long, hiding too-many feelings behind friendly conversation, ignoring the way his heart races at touches and hugs and gappy, toothy smiles. he needs to get over minseok.

he's still warm to minseok, he could never be cold to him, but he doesn't indulge him the way he once did or ask for indulgences. he spends less time at the dorm, less time around minseok. he finds excuses to skip their coffee dates.

he can feel it when minseok starts to pull away too. this time, unlike the last, it's more like a sweater slowly coming unraveled, and the dissolution of their friendship drags on for weeks, damage done in small increments and already there before either can really begin feeling the effects.

sometimes they don't talk for days. sometimes lu han learns important things going on in minseok's life through others instead of being the first person to have been told. minseok's smiles reach his eyes less and less often when they're directed at lu han.

lu han tries to put himself into other friendships and his work as hard as he can, to mute the feelings he still feels too much and can't seem to quit, no matter what.

-----

minseok is crying.

lu han doesn't have time to think about things like feeling too much or the distance they've built between them because minseok, who never cries, is crying in the middle of lu han's bed. lu han slides onto the bed and pulls him into a hug and shushes against his hair, hoping minseok will calm down and talk to him.

minseok doesn't cry loudly, hiccuped sobs few and far between, but it doesn't take long for his tears to soak through lu han's shirt and stick it to his chest.

"tell me," lu han urges in soft tones.

"i tried," minseok finally manages after a shuddering, deep breath. his stuffed nose makes his voice thick and lu han's shirt interrupts his mouth, but lu han knows how to understand him anyway.

when minseok falls silent again, lu han repeats, "tell me."

minseok pulls away and looks anywhere but at lu han. "this is too hard, i can't..." he shudders through another breath. his voice is so quiet it threatens to disappear. "i tried not to because we're friends and you care so much and i didn't want to lose it, us, i mean, i never wanted this to go away but i couldn't-" he shakes his head. "and now we've lost it all anyway, so i did try, to be what you wanted, a warm body, a... lover. and that would be the end of that now that you had it out of your system but i never wanted that, to be a body to you, i wanted to love you, lu han, i love you, i'm in love with you, and i can't stop-"

lu han kisses him for a lot of reasons. because he's never heard minseok say so many words all at once and it's kind of scary. because minseok seemed like he would keep going indefinitely without some interruption. because he loves minseok, loves him too much to watch him hurt and not try to heal that hurt.

minseok is clinging to the front of his shirt with both hands as though letting go would mean losing this, so lu han pulls far enough back to whisper, "i love you, i love you," against his lips.

minseok only holds tighter and kisses him again. when they separate, minseok asks blankly, "you love me?"

"you were never a warm body," he assures minseok in soothing tones. "never, not to me.  i wanted you there when i woke up. want you there."

minseok looks like he doesn't quite believe what lu han is saying, but lu han pulls him down to the bed and kisses him and kisses him, feeling - feeling just enough for once - that he'll have a long time to prove it.
 
 
 
It's Mah Turn to ;^;: Mmmmmehrainbow on April 21st, 2014 08:15 am (UTC)
ASDFGJJKHLHXZNVJZ o(╥﹏╥)o CREYING. CREYINGGG. CREYYINGGGGGGG. The way you described Luhan's feelings are just so on point, I felt like every line was aimed at my kokoro in an attempt to maim it from ever feeling FEELS ever again. And that last part when Minseok finally described his feelings, I was all like /facepalm/ OF COURSE. Of course, this would be the reason! (-、-) For a second there, I seriously thought this wasn't going to end well for them. Now I'm creying happy, angsty tears, and it's all thanks to you. ू(ʚ̴̶̷́ .̠ ʚ̴̶̷̥̀ ू)

/cough/ I'll gladly give you my kokoro to maim as you please if you continue writing like this. /cough/ ( ˘ ³˘)♥

Edited at 2014-04-21 08:19 am (UTC)
Rabbit Rabbitdracoslovebunny on April 21st, 2014 04:28 pm (UTC)
Haha Aw this comment is wonderful and really too much ;-;

Thank you so much for reading and feeling! I'll be sure to write more soon, now that my creativity seems to have returned to me. I didn't expect such a lovely response to my first xiuhan... ♥♥♥ you are wonderful.
思いっきり。: brotpomoikkiri on April 26th, 2014 06:16 am (UTC)
ow. OW. but also YES!!

This is exactly the xiuhan of my headcanon as well, where they're both in way over their heads, but they ... deal with their emotions differently and so it causes this limbo state where neither of them realize that the other feels exactly the same and ;akdjg;almgkalkm ahhhhh o<-<

And your word choices and everything, it's so perfectly apt, thank youuuu for this ♥
Rabbit Rabbitdracoslovebunny on April 26th, 2014 06:31 pm (UTC)
^^ What a lovely review, thank you a million times!!

This is my favorite xiuhan style, the whole both having feelings but not knowing it, yet it's sad to write... I'll be writing more xiuhan (and others I'm sure) in future so keep your eyes peeled for that! And thank you again!
izzy: pic#123122375tomatomc on April 30th, 2014 08:31 pm (UTC)
i am honestly lost for words. you pictured/wrote them so painfully close to what i imagine them to be irl tbh especially minseok (i can totally imagine that boy being all scared/confused at the realization that he's actually in love with luhan like what is supposed to do now because he doesn't really sure how luhan feels) and it pains me.

anyhoo i'm rambling again. excuse me while i weep.
Rabbit Rabbitdracoslovebunny on May 1st, 2014 06:18 pm (UTC)
Ahh thank you darling. Your comment is lovely and warms my heart. Hopefully I'll be writing more xiuhan like this soon so be sure to keep an eye out! ^^ ♥♥
Arielle #MecchaYabai: pic#123346113jiyomino on June 9th, 2014 02:43 am (UTC)
This is amazing. You made me cry like legit tears, crying, just crying at the end- even though it's a happy ending.


This was so angsty but at the same time, so so REAL. I could really imaging Minseok as the type who would hide his feelings because he's afraid- afraid to take risks and ruin the friendship he and Luhan has. While on the other side, Luhan is this person who has all these emotions inside him which he has difficult time controlling.


AND THIS LINE
"you were never a warm body," he assures minseok in soothing tones. "never, not to me. i wanted you there when i woke up. want you there."


HOW COULD YOU. I DIED. READING. THAT PART.


Continue writing- I need more Xiuhan tics like this.
Rabbit Rabbit: beast couple kiwoon textdracoslovebunny on June 13th, 2014 05:59 am (UTC)
I'll definitely try to find time to get back into writing... I always try and often fail ^^;;

Thanks much for liking this, and for your lovely comment! I'm glad you could get so much out of my story.